[ Well, Jacopo does contact Claude after a week, telling him that his obligations are cleared and to just give him a notice before he visits.
When he does he can see Jacopo owns a one bedroom condo in France... The living space looks like this, the kitchen, and the bedroom. It's very different from medieval which should be expected. Such is modern life.
He motions for Claude to take a seat on the couch in front of the TV. ]
[ Whoa... Claude is being unabashedly nosy as he looks around the apartment, peering around the living space and whatever pictures and books Jacopo has populated his space with, fascinated by the sounds of the city outside. He'd seen a bit of modern architecture and technology in heaven, but a real, live environment is different from the sanitized version they had there.
He doesn't really understand how any of this came to be, either. ]
Sure.
[ Crouching down by the TV console to start snooping through Jacopo's things. ]
So, what happened? You came here looking for Morgana?
[ Unfortunately, Claude will find while well furnished and also aesthetically cohesive the place is, there's somehow a lack of actual personality. The photos and portraits are not of people, but art... Including any on the walls. The books at least are the only things that speak to Jacopo's tastes. On the shelves are lined with mostly non-fiction: history, biographies, self-help/DIY, business practices from finance to marketing, and a rare fiction book which is likely a European classic or something.
He owns a gaming console, though. If Claude even knows what the fuck that is. It rests in the TV stand with what DVDs he does have in the stand shelves (they are similar to his books). He uses it to play Blu-ray is canonically what the game told me, but he has a couple of videogames. Throws dart some type of co-op racing game, maybe one or two strategy games like Dynasty or Fire Emblem, resource management simulation, and idk one Ace Attorney. Imagine paying like 300-500 usd for a glorified dvd player.
It's sanitized in the way that this is a place for sleep rather than living and its design is for presentation and display for visitors.
Jacopo just watches him be incredibly nosy, leering a bit, but he has a question to answer. After he fetches Claude some water though: ]
I did.
[ Glass of water waits for Claude on the coffee table in the living room, placed on a coaster, and Jacopo just sits on his couch.
Pivots. ]
Apparently, a different version of you got dragged into these popular murder games. His lover was a participant in the competition.
[ He finds the space interesting, even if it's just cataloguing all the opportunities Jacopo could've taken to infuse his identity into it, but didn't. Maybe he didn't have time? Claude's working theory right now is that this is where Morgana had ended up after her tale with Jacopo, and Jacopo followed her here after heaven, essentially infiltrating the new world as he sought her out.
He doesn't know what a gaming console is since his knowledge of video games is limited to the arcade back in heaven. He thinks the plastic cases are all DVDs.
Once he's done peering through his collection of books, he'll head over to the window to take stock of what the city outside is like. So many people and cars, and big buildings... It's fascinating. It must take massive infrastructure and resources to support such a dense population. ]
What?
[ ??? Funny enough, Claude in Seasons was aware of alternate timelines since he had castmates from other routes even prior to his CRAU game. This Claude, however, didn't even conceive of it. It's not completely surprising after everything else they've experienced, but it still baffles him for a moment. ]
O...kay. [ His lover? That sounds super weird. He doesn't like the idea of someone being that close to him. Even if it's some alternate-reality him. ] That must've thrown you for a loop.
[ All of the towering buildings and designated spots for boutiques, eateries, and third places must be interesting to a medieval. The development and planning for it all is an undertaking.
Because it is France, he might see people walk out of a bread bakery with baguettes in a bag. Oui oui, not racist because it's a real life thing. ]
She had a small paper cutout of you, but of course you looked a little different.
[ The funny thing is that he learned timelines or AUs are a thing through Adolphe. Does talking about Manwol help Claude with his theories? Jacopo is kind of stalling. ]
A real firecracker. She'd definitely turn people into animals and eat them.
[ It is a little strange for Jacopo to be making random small talk. Or maybe it isn't. It's been so long since heaven.
He's looking now at Jacopo with surprise. ]
A paper cutout? Was that to make sure I behaved?
[ Voodoo?? He can't really conceive of being in a relationship, but also Jacopo has coloured his impression of Manwol with the eating animals thing. He is also a little curious what this other him is like, but he doesn't think Jacopo would have those details.
Just plops down on the couch for now, looking at him expectantly. ]
[ Why are you reading him as already different than what he was like before... It's true that he didn't care much for small talk and if he felt like it this wouldn't be the topic of preference. This is a topic for distraction, maybe testing the waters on Claude's perception of alternate versions existing. Not that this is the same situation. It's still similar enough.
He snorts at the reaction. ]
I think it was part of a prank in her game... [ The couch is comfy and large enough for both of them, but he readjusts in case Claude wants more room. ] From what I gleaned, she loves the other you very much.
[ Claude isn't manspreading, but he is comfortably seated, leaning back against the couch, ankle resting on his knee with one arm tossed over the back as he sits turned facing Jacopo.
And look. He never was quite sure how much Jacopo would be in the mood to tolerate him at any given moment, so having a relaxed conversation like this is a little surprising. But he supposes that he should be glad that, on some level, it seems that his company was missed. ]
Is that right...
[ It's still... a little weird to hear, and he's not sure how he should feel. Honestly, he doesn't feel much other than mildly curious. That other version is not him, and so he has nothing to do with the feelings that Manwol has for that man.
Maybe he feels a little lonely—or not lonely, but rather... insecure? Inferior? He wonders what decisions that other version made to end up in a place where he could love and be loved, when it seems so impossibly far from his own life. ]
Well, if I'm ever able to speak with him, maybe I should ask him a thing or two about how he manages his work-life balance.
[ Oh, Claude. Jacopo thinks that it's intrinsic that people would come to like you across universes. There are things that sill make you you. He missed him enough to hold onto him so tightly at the airport, too.
He wants you to forget about that and never mention it ever again, by the way. ]
... You manage fine, Claude. I'm sure you find time to give to others in spite of your responsibilities. You somehow found time for me.
[ There's a contemplative silence, but he loosens in his sitting posture. His legs uncross and his folded arms loosen to hang. ]
[ He won't forget about it, but he will mercifully refrain from mentioning it to spare Jacopo's pride. It was a sweet moment... And a reassurance. In the time since their separation, he'd felt a little guilty, wondering if he was being selfish in asking Jacopo to live. Wondering if he'd put him in a position where he hadn't wanted to hurt Claude, despite his own desires to let his life end.
And he doesn't think hopping into an interdimensional airport to see a friend is regular behaviour for him. He carves out time for Saber, since they're embroiled in the war together, but he doesn't give as much time to Yves—or even his other friends from before heaven.
But still, he doesn't correct Jacopo. He doesn't really want to talk about himself. ]
Around two months. At least, for me. I don't expect time flows the same for everyone in the... multiverse we've found ourselves in. [ The invasion of Faerghus had come and gone, now they prepare to meet Rhea. ] So tell me, did you find Morgana?
It may be about the same for most people. Jonas had told me it had been two months when we first arrived at the airport, so that would make it accumulative four months for him.
[ He answers this part with ease, even though it's a conundrum they will never truly understand. A short pause comes after as his gaze lowers, maybe just looking at the couch cushion, or their knees, just whatever.
How should he word it? Should he put it lightly? He doesn't want to worry... Reunions should be uplifting with heartwarming updates. If he could grant Claude one less burden, he'd try to and more. ]
I did. I tried to talk to her, then found myself stuck.
[ About ready to skip all of the years of torture, but a thought strikes him sharp. Claude was his good friend, someone who told him he'll drag him out of Hell and to live. Old guilt needles in him... He broke his promise, so doesn't Claude deserve the truth?
Torn in two, he struggles. Which is the right choice? Peace? Trusted sincerity? ]
She cursed me and I let her.
[ He already failed to keep his distance, so he decides to tell his tale. It's sanitized, orated in a tone that is distant like reading a book on a shelf. ]
For eight hundred years, I was waiting in a dark place somewhere in the afterlife. When she felt it was my time, she sent me to be reincarnated where I would repeat my mistakes and cause another tragedy. After I died then, I returned to the dark place... and I think waited for another two hundred years before someone showed up to free all the souls she bound.
[ Jacopo shares it all so matter of factly that at first Claude feels like he's listening an account of a third party not present here. It's kind of funny, because he understands the tactic. It's the same way that he talks about his own past, like it doesn't effect him.
So he has to take a minute. Digest. Sit with what Jacopo is saying, and understand what it means beyond what's said. It's hundreds of years distilled into a handful of sentences.
He needs more information too. What does it mean that his soul was freed? Did they reconcile? Why did he end up here, and not in heaven once free?
Hundreds of years... Waiting... Alone. He can't even grasp that. Had no idea what Jacopo was enduring.
Eventually, his look of surprise crumples into something closer to grief, gaze falling to his lap where his hand draws into a fist. ]
I... don't even know what to say. Jacopo, I'm so sorry. I wish that— I wish that I could've done something to help you.
[ He feels stupid. Like he shouldn't have left Jacopo to seek Morgana out. Like he should've given more thought to the silence that greeted his text messages. ]
[ There was a reason why he silenced everyone who had asked him about his memories in the airport. It was true that he didn't think remembering would change anything about their situation, but he didn't want to navigate through what hundreds of years felt like with an audience. With someone's prying eyes on him, he didn't want to settle on why he had trouble crying and how it's because he spent all his tears trapped in a dark place or pathetically begging someone to not leave him. He hated the look of pity or curiosity in everyone's eyes... That it was so unfortunate to be haunted in the way he is or that his predicament was so very interesting.
The truth was that week was one where he not only felt vulnerable, but also fragile. If he were to give anyone any opportunity or opening... If they were to embrace him gently—he feared he would break into pieces again.
The agitation surfaces once more here, too. Instinctively, he wants to make it sound less than it was. While it had been a week where he had to handle Morgana, he didn't get much time to collect his thoughts. Still, he's practiced in the way his expression doesn't twitch or shift. It stays the same, though weariness hangs at the corner of his eyes. ]
No, don't apologize. [ He casually waves a hand and leans back into the couch, sinking in. ] I could have resisted or tried to break free myself.
[ But he didn't, so it is his fault. It's fine. ]
The important part is that I'm here and my life isn't shitty. It's the second chance I originally wanted.
[ As soon as Jacopo lifts his hand to wave away his concerns, Claude leans forward to take it in his own. He doesn't want his feelings, or Jacopo's, to be brushed past so easily. ]
Could you have? You're still so quick to shoulder all the responsibility for your circumstances.
[ Which, he kind of understands. Blame comes with pressure and weight, but it also allows for more agency and control. Like being smarter, better or different might finally spare you from torment and heartache.
No one wants to be seen as a victim, and he isn't denying that Jacopo hadn't made his mistakes, but not everything terrible that happens is a result of not being good enough. ]
I'm glad that you've gotten your second chance, but I still wish that it didn't take all that to get it.
[ He feels a little guilty now, for how little stock he'd put in Jacopo's hopes for his next life, so convinced he could turn his current one around.
Frowns at him. ]
You don't think anyone who cares about you would think that your life now makes all those centuries worth it, do you?
[ becomes horrified that i didn't capitalize on affection week in crau3.
Jacopo tenses when his hand is caught, even though it's a familiar hand in his. It doesn't feel like months ago, it feels like deja vu. It had been so long that his mind second-guesses that they've held hands in any capacity—maybe in a dream. Perhaps in one of his dreams they were tussling in a gazebo as a drizzle of alcohol plagued Heaven... He didn't exactly remember who was it in this dream, but he does now.
It's odd to mourn a sensation he barely remembers, but he does as he tightens his grasp. Just a bit. Fretful, hesitant, and careful. ]
I could have. I wouldn't know unless I tried. [ He made his choice, but the next question has his expression twist. It's... Complicated. ] At the airport, I had weeks to reason that I would just be a ghost to them after so long.
[ He doesn't know how to answer, truthfully. Just two month ago, he didn't remember anyone from his past lives and Heaven. Sure, for Claude only two months have passed, but can it be the same for others? HOW DOES TIME WORK? ]
I wouldn't begrudge them for forgetting me. I've forgotten them before. Went out of my way to reject the notion I knew them, too... It would be fair if they didn't think much of how I got here.
In any case, Claude holds onto that hand. Even after his experiences in heaven, he knows he's not the best at empathizing with others, or communicating emotion. He doesn't know if he's doing it right in this moment, or if he's just forcing his own perspective onto Jacopo.
It's easier to communicate through touch, probably. Though he's not skilled in this regard either. He just wants to convey to his friend that he cares, and that there's someone who carries him in their heart, and hopes for his happiness. ]
Maybe it would be fair, but did any of them react that way? [ Do they even know? The way Claude only knows Siffrin. ] Actually, you know what, I don't even care.
[ They're not here, so he should focus on the two of them that are. ]
Being alone that long... It messes with you. Makes you think that you've been abandoned, that no one would miss you, or cares how you feel. [ He hasn't clued in that Jacopo didn't have these memories until recently, assuming that it's one continuous existence, carrying the memories from one life to the next. ] But I do care, whether it was two months ago or two hundred years ago. You don't have to act like it wasn't difficult, Jacopo.
[ Claude, you are trying your best... And sometimes that is enough, sometimes it isn't. Jacopo is a difficult and delicate person where you must handle him roughly at some points, then gently at other points. He hasn't pushed so far where Jacopo wants him out. ]
I wasn't close to four out of five that were brought from Heaven, which was fortunate for me... Better since at least they weren't thrown for a rough loop when I didn't remember a single thing about them or our time in the afterlife.
[ Claude says he doesn't care, but he grumbles this, anyway. They weren't heartbroken. Jonas, fortunately, just misunderstood the whole idea to be something positive. A part of him wishes he stayed in the dark, though.
The whole time he has kept his eyes elsewhere, but his gaze finally flicks back to lock onto Claude's. It's challenging, almost defiant, in an attempt to shake Claude off, but it softens. Who could actually hate hearing someone cares about them? He's left with feeling... Uncomfortable, but it isn't an unwelcome discomfort.
Silence. ]
It was lonely at first. [ He has to muster everything to admit this and the pause after draws long. There is a pause after each sentence to follow. ] The silence was suffocating where I wished the voices spoke to me again... Over time, I forgot it all—who I was, what I looked like, everyone, almost everything—but it made it easier to bear eternity.
[ Jacopo pushes himself upright on the couch so he can better clasp Claude's hand with both of his. Like an act of prayer, he lifts them while he lowers his head, pressing his brow against these hands. What sorrow and grief he should have for himself is placed elsewhere. ]
[ It's okay, Jacopo. Claude is also uncomfortable, even though he's not the one pinned down and forced to comfort painful memories. But even with that being the case, he doesn't enjoy hearing about what Jacopo went through, or pressing him on emotions that he'd rather remain hidden. But he can bear the discomfort for honesty's sake.
And he's proud that you can confess to your hardships, even if it brings weight with it that settles in his chest, and a frustration at his inability to change anything.
He's thrown off-balance soon though, looking momentarily stupefied when Jacopo takes his hand and bows his head. ]
Wait— [ hUH? ] Hold on- you don't have to apologize to me. Of course I forgive you for doing whatever it took to endure.
[ He doesn't scold him for blaming himself needlessly yet again, a little heartbroken that the only way for Jacopo to survive was to erase whatever he could of himself.
With a sigh, he frees his hand so that he can take hold of Jacopo's head, lifting so that they can look at one another. ]
Look, if you're worried about how I'm going to react to this, then I'll be straightforward for once: I'm glad you're still here, and that we could meet again. I wasn't able to do anything for you during all that time, so I'm counting on you to lean on me now. If you can do that, then you have my forgiveness.
[ He's just indulging in your company, Claude. Somehow, memories played and experienced aren't the same as the flesh.
So he holds his hand and keeps his forehead rested as Claude becomes MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, which is nice. Better than him, but this is also where he recognizes the calluses of a soldier... And he himself lost all of his own to rebirth.
Is forgiveness usually given so easily? He forgot him, then broke his promise, and had thought about ghosting for a couple of more years—before his thoughts continue, he's pulled to look at him. Instinctively, he tenses and glowers because he doesn't like being manhandled, but it lingers for only a moment. ]
I'll try. [ Genuinely, he'll do what is asked of him even if all of this is still uncomfortable. How does he make forgiveness put him at ease? ] But it's going to be uninteresting, so don't expect too much.
[ Just looks like a grumpy tired dog in Claude's palms, I guess. ]
[ He really is a grumpy dog. Claude is more of a cat person, but there's definitely a charm to dogged loyalty... The sight of his sulking just gets him to smile though, since he got what he wanted.
Well, sort of. He would rather Jacopo not have anything to confide in the first place, but there's no one who lives such a perfect life. He can only do his best to compensate for the loneliness he'd felt all those years. ]
It can't be any more uninteresting than listening to nobles gossip. Or talk about anything, actually.
[ He'll let him go now that he's made his point, letting his hands fall back to his lap and leaning against the couch. ]
[ At the very least, Jacopo is a very independent dog who doesn't need that much attention. There's a soft roll of his eyes as he also remembers nobility's penchant for prattle. He gets you. SO GLAD HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
... Posturing to people up on corporate ladder is still kind of similar, though. ]
I thought you loved being nosy. I'll make sure to complain about how incompetent my coworkers are.
[ But since his head is free, he leans back onto the couch and fix his hair a bit because it got a little tousled. ]
It wasn't a choice I got to make, but no... I don't.
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no subject
When he does he can see Jacopo owns a one bedroom condo in France... The living space looks like this, the kitchen, and the bedroom. It's very different from medieval which should be expected. Such is modern life.
He motions for Claude to take a seat on the couch in front of the TV. ]
Would you like some water?
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He doesn't really understand how any of this came to be, either. ]
Sure.
[ Crouching down by the TV console to start snooping through Jacopo's things. ]
So, what happened? You came here looking for Morgana?
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He owns a gaming console, though. If Claude even knows what the fuck that is. It rests in the TV stand with what DVDs he does have in the stand shelves (they are similar to his books). He uses it to play Blu-ray is canonically what the game told me, but he has a couple of videogames. Throws dart some type of co-op racing game, maybe one or two strategy games like Dynasty or Fire Emblem, resource management simulation, and idk one Ace Attorney. Imagine paying like 300-500 usd for a glorified dvd player.
It's sanitized in the way that this is a place for sleep rather than living and its design is for presentation and display for visitors.
Jacopo just watches him be incredibly nosy, leering a bit, but he has a question to answer. After he fetches Claude some water though: ]
I did.
[ Glass of water waits for Claude on the coffee table in the living room, placed on a coaster, and Jacopo just sits on his couch.
Pivots. ]
Apparently, a different version of you got dragged into these popular murder games. His lover was a participant in the competition.
no subject
He doesn't know what a gaming console is since his knowledge of video games is limited to the arcade back in heaven. He thinks the plastic cases are all DVDs.
Once he's done peering through his collection of books, he'll head over to the window to take stock of what the city outside is like. So many people and cars, and big buildings... It's fascinating. It must take massive infrastructure and resources to support such a dense population. ]
What?
[ ??? Funny enough, Claude in Seasons was aware of alternate timelines since he had castmates from other routes even prior to his CRAU game. This Claude, however, didn't even conceive of it. It's not completely surprising after everything else they've experienced, but it still baffles him for a moment. ]
O...kay. [ His lover? That sounds super weird. He doesn't like the idea of someone being that close to him. Even if it's some alternate-reality him. ] That must've thrown you for a loop.
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Because it is France, he might see people walk out of a bread bakery with baguettes in a bag. Oui oui, not racist because it's a real life thing. ]
She had a small paper cutout of you, but of course you looked a little different.
[ The funny thing is that he learned timelines or AUs are a thing through Adolphe. Does talking about Manwol help Claude with his theories? Jacopo is kind of stalling. ]
A real firecracker. She'd definitely turn people into animals and eat them.
[ Doesn't mean it. ]
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He's looking now at Jacopo with surprise. ]
A paper cutout? Was that to make sure I behaved?
[ Voodoo?? He can't really conceive of being in a relationship, but also Jacopo has coloured his impression of Manwol with the eating animals thing. He is also a little curious what this other him is like, but he doesn't think Jacopo would have those details.
Just plops down on the couch for now, looking at him expectantly. ]
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He snorts at the reaction. ]
I think it was part of a prank in her game... [ The couch is comfy and large enough for both of them, but he readjusts in case Claude wants more room. ] From what I gleaned, she loves the other you very much.
no subject
And look. He never was quite sure how much Jacopo would be in the mood to tolerate him at any given moment, so having a relaxed conversation like this is a little surprising. But he supposes that he should be glad that, on some level, it seems that his company was missed. ]
Is that right...
[ It's still... a little weird to hear, and he's not sure how he should feel. Honestly, he doesn't feel much other than mildly curious. That other version is not him, and so he has nothing to do with the feelings that Manwol has for that man.
Maybe he feels a little lonely—or not lonely, but rather... insecure? Inferior? He wonders what decisions that other version made to end up in a place where he could love and be loved, when it seems so impossibly far from his own life. ]
Well, if I'm ever able to speak with him, maybe I should ask him a thing or two about how he manages his work-life balance.
no subject
He wants you to forget about that and never mention it ever again, by the way. ]
... You manage fine, Claude. I'm sure you find time to give to others in spite of your responsibilities. You somehow found time for me.
[ There's a contemplative silence, but he loosens in his sitting posture. His legs uncross and his folded arms loosen to hang. ]
It's been a while.
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And he doesn't think hopping into an interdimensional airport to see a friend is regular behaviour for him. He carves out time for Saber, since they're embroiled in the war together, but he doesn't give as much time to Yves—or even his other friends from before heaven.
But still, he doesn't correct Jacopo. He doesn't really want to talk about himself. ]
Around two months. At least, for me. I don't expect time flows the same for everyone in the... multiverse we've found ourselves in. [ The invasion of Faerghus had come and gone, now they prepare to meet Rhea. ] So tell me, did you find Morgana?
no subject
It may be about the same for most people. Jonas had told me it had been two months when we first arrived at the airport, so that would make it accumulative four months for him.
[ He answers this part with ease, even though it's a conundrum they will never truly understand. A short pause comes after as his gaze lowers, maybe just looking at the couch cushion, or their knees, just whatever.
How should he word it? Should he put it lightly? He doesn't want to worry... Reunions should be uplifting with heartwarming updates. If he could grant Claude one less burden, he'd try to and more. ]
I did. I tried to talk to her, then found myself stuck.
[ About ready to skip all of the years of torture, but a thought strikes him sharp. Claude was his good friend, someone who told him he'll drag him out of Hell and to live. Old guilt needles in him... He broke his promise, so doesn't Claude deserve the truth?
Torn in two, he struggles. Which is the right choice? Peace? Trusted sincerity? ]
She cursed me and I let her.
[ He already failed to keep his distance, so he decides to tell his tale. It's sanitized, orated in a tone that is distant like reading a book on a shelf. ]
For eight hundred years, I was waiting in a dark place somewhere in the afterlife. When she felt it was my time, she sent me to be reincarnated where I would repeat my mistakes and cause another tragedy. After I died then, I returned to the dark place... and I think waited for another two hundred years before someone showed up to free all the souls she bound.
So I'm here.
no subject
So he has to take a minute. Digest. Sit with what Jacopo is saying, and understand what it means beyond what's said. It's hundreds of years distilled into a handful of sentences.
He needs more information too. What does it mean that his soul was freed? Did they reconcile? Why did he end up here, and not in heaven once free?
Hundreds of years... Waiting... Alone. He can't even grasp that. Had no idea what Jacopo was enduring.
Eventually, his look of surprise crumples into something closer to grief, gaze falling to his lap where his hand draws into a fist. ]
I... don't even know what to say. Jacopo, I'm so sorry. I wish that— I wish that I could've done something to help you.
[ He feels stupid. Like he shouldn't have left Jacopo to seek Morgana out. Like he should've given more thought to the silence that greeted his text messages. ]
no subject
The truth was that week was one where he not only felt vulnerable, but also fragile. If he were to give anyone any opportunity or opening... If they were to embrace him gently—he feared he would break into pieces again.
The agitation surfaces once more here, too. Instinctively, he wants to make it sound less than it was. While it had been a week where he had to handle Morgana, he didn't get much time to collect his thoughts. Still, he's practiced in the way his expression doesn't twitch or shift. It stays the same, though weariness hangs at the corner of his eyes. ]
No, don't apologize. [ He casually waves a hand and leans back into the couch, sinking in. ] I could have resisted or tried to break free myself.
[ But he didn't, so it is his fault. It's fine. ]
The important part is that I'm here and my life isn't shitty. It's the second chance I originally wanted.
[ SO! GOOD NEWS? Don't be sad. ]
no subject
Could you have? You're still so quick to shoulder all the responsibility for your circumstances.
[ Which, he kind of understands. Blame comes with pressure and weight, but it also allows for more agency and control. Like being smarter, better or different might finally spare you from torment and heartache.
No one wants to be seen as a victim, and he isn't denying that Jacopo hadn't made his mistakes, but not everything terrible that happens is a result of not being good enough. ]
I'm glad that you've gotten your second chance, but I still wish that it didn't take all that to get it.
[ He feels a little guilty now, for how little stock he'd put in Jacopo's hopes for his next life, so convinced he could turn his current one around.
Frowns at him. ]
You don't think anyone who cares about you would think that your life now makes all those centuries worth it, do you?
no subject
Jacopo tenses when his hand is caught, even though it's a familiar hand in his. It doesn't feel like months ago, it feels like deja vu. It had been so long that his mind second-guesses that they've held hands in any capacity—maybe in a dream. Perhaps in one of his dreams they were tussling in a gazebo as a drizzle of alcohol plagued Heaven... He didn't exactly remember who was it in this dream, but he does now.
It's odd to mourn a sensation he barely remembers, but he does as he tightens his grasp. Just a bit. Fretful, hesitant, and careful. ]
I could have. I wouldn't know unless I tried. [ He made his choice, but the next question has his expression twist. It's... Complicated. ] At the airport, I had weeks to reason that I would just be a ghost to them after so long.
[ He doesn't know how to answer, truthfully. Just two month ago, he didn't remember anyone from his past lives and Heaven. Sure, for Claude only two months have passed, but can it be the same for others? HOW DOES TIME WORK? ]
I wouldn't begrudge them for forgetting me. I've forgotten them before. Went out of my way to reject the notion I knew them, too... It would be fair if they didn't think much of how I got here.
no subject
In any case, Claude holds onto that hand. Even after his experiences in heaven, he knows he's not the best at empathizing with others, or communicating emotion. He doesn't know if he's doing it right in this moment, or if he's just forcing his own perspective onto Jacopo.
It's easier to communicate through touch, probably. Though he's not skilled in this regard either. He just wants to convey to his friend that he cares, and that there's someone who carries him in their heart, and hopes for his happiness. ]
Maybe it would be fair, but did any of them react that way? [ Do they even know? The way Claude only knows Siffrin. ] Actually, you know what, I don't even care.
[ They're not here, so he should focus on the two of them that are. ]
Being alone that long... It messes with you. Makes you think that you've been abandoned, that no one would miss you, or cares how you feel. [ He hasn't clued in that Jacopo didn't have these memories until recently, assuming that it's one continuous existence, carrying the memories from one life to the next. ] But I do care, whether it was two months ago or two hundred years ago. You don't have to act like it wasn't difficult, Jacopo.
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I wasn't close to four out of five that were brought from Heaven, which was fortunate for me... Better since at least they weren't thrown for a rough loop when I didn't remember a single thing about them or our time in the afterlife.
[ Claude says he doesn't care, but he grumbles this, anyway. They weren't heartbroken. Jonas, fortunately, just misunderstood the whole idea to be something positive. A part of him wishes he stayed in the dark, though.
The whole time he has kept his eyes elsewhere, but his gaze finally flicks back to lock onto Claude's. It's challenging, almost defiant, in an attempt to shake Claude off, but it softens. Who could actually hate hearing someone cares about them? He's left with feeling... Uncomfortable, but it isn't an unwelcome discomfort.
Silence. ]
It was lonely at first. [ He has to muster everything to admit this and the pause after draws long. There is a pause after each sentence to follow. ] The silence was suffocating where I wished the voices spoke to me again... Over time, I forgot it all—who I was, what I looked like, everyone, almost everything—but it made it easier to bear eternity.
[ Jacopo pushes himself upright on the couch so he can better clasp Claude's hand with both of his. Like an act of prayer, he lifts them while he lowers his head, pressing his brow against these hands. What sorrow and grief he should have for himself is placed elsewhere. ]
... Can you forgive me?
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And he's proud that you can confess to your hardships, even if it brings weight with it that settles in his chest, and a frustration at his inability to change anything.
He's thrown off-balance soon though, looking momentarily stupefied when Jacopo takes his hand and bows his head. ]
Wait— [ hUH? ] Hold on- you don't have to apologize to me. Of course I forgive you for doing whatever it took to endure.
[ He doesn't scold him for blaming himself needlessly yet again, a little heartbroken that the only way for Jacopo to survive was to erase whatever he could of himself.
With a sigh, he frees his hand so that he can take hold of Jacopo's head, lifting so that they can look at one another. ]
Look, if you're worried about how I'm going to react to this, then I'll be straightforward for once: I'm glad you're still here, and that we could meet again. I wasn't able to do anything for you during all that time, so I'm counting on you to lean on me now. If you can do that, then you have my forgiveness.
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So he holds his hand and keeps his forehead rested as Claude becomes MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, which is nice. Better than him, but this is also where he recognizes the calluses of a soldier... And he himself lost all of his own to rebirth.
Is forgiveness usually given so easily? He forgot him, then broke his promise, and had thought about ghosting for a couple of more years—before his thoughts continue, he's pulled to look at him. Instinctively, he tenses and glowers because he doesn't like being manhandled, but it lingers for only a moment. ]
I'll try. [ Genuinely, he'll do what is asked of him even if all of this is still uncomfortable. How does he make forgiveness put him at ease? ] But it's going to be uninteresting, so don't expect too much.
[ Just looks like a grumpy tired dog in Claude's palms, I guess. ]
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Well, sort of. He would rather Jacopo not have anything to confide in the first place, but there's no one who lives such a perfect life. He can only do his best to compensate for the loneliness he'd felt all those years. ]
It can't be any more uninteresting than listening to nobles gossip. Or talk about anything, actually.
[ He'll let him go now that he's made his point, letting his hands fall back to his lap and leaning against the couch. ]
... Do you wish you hadn't remembered it all?
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... Posturing to people up on corporate ladder is still kind of similar, though. ]
I thought you loved being nosy. I'll make sure to complain about how incompetent my coworkers are.
[ But since his head is free, he leans back onto the couch and fix his hair a bit because it got a little tousled. ]
It wasn't a choice I got to make, but no... I don't.
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Just watches him a moment before leaning over to grab the water Jacopo had gotten him and take a sip. ]
Why? [ He's watching Jacopo so closely. ] Do you think that you don't deserve to be free of bad memories?
[ His guess is that Jacopo thinks of it like a cross he must carry for his entire existence. ]
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A squint at the way he's being watched. ]
Are you suddenly my therapist? [ Wait. ] You don't know what a therapist is, do you...
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I know what therapy is, Jacopo.
[ He absorbed a lot while in heaven.
He just shrugs. ]
Hundreds have years have passed since we last met, can you blame me for being curious? I have a lot to catch up on.
[ He wouldn't say that he understood Jacopo well before, but now there's an even larger gap, isn't there? He's just trying to bridge it. ]
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Wow. They both learned a bit about therapy in Heaven. Jacopo crosses his arms and looks off to the side. ]
Is it so unbelievable to think that maybe I had some fond memories I would want to remember?
[ Mock offended. ]
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